Family and Friends,
¡Feliz
Navidad! I had a wonderful Christmas here in Ecuador with my buddy Elder Magill
and it was lovely to talk with my family through Skype. I have pictures and
experiences to share with you all from what happened this week of Christmas but
I will be sending those pictures and sharing those experiences next week
because I feel strongly impressed that I need to share some thoughts, feelings,
understandings, revelations, and conclusions that have been weighing on my mind
for quite some time now. It is something that has truly changed my life and now
that we will be starting a new year soon I want to share this with you all and
invite you all to study it, ponder it, and apply it into your lives.
One of
the greatest struggles and weaknesses of my life has been my inability to be a
peacemaker. This is a great challenge for many of us but based on this past
month I can testify that living as an active and skilled peacemaker truly is a
happier, healthier, and more meaningful way to live as a child of God (Matthew5:10). And I am here to say and promise that no matter how difficult it may
appear, avoiding contention and achieving lasting peace at all times truly is
possible.
As with all sins and weaknesses, pride is at
the root of contention. I’ve observed that pride shows its ugly face and
destroys peace in three principal obstacles: getting angry, arguing, and
getting offended. There is a solution to each one of these obstacles and I
would like to analyze how to overcome anger, arguments, and offense to be a
peacemaker. While teaching these principles I will use multiple sections from
several excellent conference talks and I will also quote advice given to me by
two very wise friends. These talks and these bits of advice have greatly
impacted my life and I invite everyone to not just read the sections of the
talks that I will share but to look them up, print them out, study them, and
apply them. I also recommend getting to know these two wise friends of mine who
have greatly blessed my life and are outstanding examples of being a disciple
of Christ and a true peacemaker.
President
Monson gives wonderful counsel on the first obstacle to peace, anger.
Anger doesn’t solve
anything. It builds nothing, but it can destroy everything…
Many years ago, a young
couple called my office and asked if they could come in for counseling. They
indicated they had suffered a tragedy in their lives and that their marriage
was in serious jeopardy. An appointment was arranged.
The tension between this
husband and wife was apparent as they entered my office. Their story unfolded
slowly at first as the husband spoke haltingly and the wife cried quietly and
participated very little in the conversation.
The young man had returned
from serving a mission and was accepted to a prestigious university in the
eastern part of the United States. It was there, in a university ward, that he
had met his future wife. She was also a student at the university. After a year
of dating, they journeyed to Utah and were married in the Salt Lake Temple,
returning east shortly afterward to finish their schooling.
By the time they graduated
and returned to their home state, they were expecting their first child and the
husband had employment in his chosen field. The wife gave birth to a baby boy.
Life was good.
When their
son was about 18 months old, they decided to take a short vacation to visit family members who
lived a few hundred miles away. This was at a time when car seats for children
and seat belts for adults were scarcely heard of, let alone used. The three
members of the family all rode in the front seat with the toddler in the
middle. Sometime during the trip,
the husband and wife had a disagreement. After all these years, I cannot recall
what caused it. But I do remember that their argument escalated and became so
heated that they were eventually yelling at one another. Understandably, this
caused their young son to begin crying, which the husband said only added to
his anger. Losing total control of his temper, he picked up a toy the child had
dropped on the seat and flung it in the direction of his wife.
He missed hitting his wife.
Instead, the toy struck their son, with the result that he was brain damaged
and would be handicapped for the rest of his life.
This was one
of the most tragic situations I had ever encountered. I counseled and
encouraged them. We talked of commitment and responsibility, of acceptance and forgiveness. We spoke of the affection and respect which needed to return to their
family. We read words of comfort from the scriptures. We prayed together.
Though I have not heard from them since that day so long ago, they were smiling
through their tears as they left my office. All these years I’ve hoped they
made the decision to remain together, comforted and blessed by the gospel of Jesus Christ.
I think of
them whenever I read the words: “Anger doesn’t solve anything. It builds
nothing, but it can destroy everything… I ask, is it possible to feel the Spirit of our Heavenly Father when we
are angry? I know of no instance where such would be the case.
From 3 Nephi
in the Book of Mormon, we read:
“There shall be no
disputations among you. …
“For verily, verily I say
unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the
devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to
contend with anger, one with another.“Behold, this
is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against
another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away.” (3 Nephi 11:29)
To be angry
is to yield to the influence of Satan. No one can make us angry. It is our choice. If we desire to have a proper spirit with us
at all times, we must choose to refrain from becoming angry. I testify that
such is possible. (Thomas S. Monson, School thy Feelings oh My Brother, Oct.
2009)
Do we really understand what our Prophet is teaching
us here? When we choose to become angry, get mad, be upset and bring in a
spirit of contention we are choosing to invite the spirit of the devil and we
lose right away the Spirit of God. Anytime that I have gotten angry or am in
the presence of someone who gets angry I can feel right away (Bam!) the Holy
Ghost leaves the room. He is sickened by anger. It hurts Him and He can’t stand
to see us like that so He won’t come back to accompany us until we decide to
control ourselves again.
It is important to destroy many of the myths and false
ways of thinking that we sometimes have or share. Many of us (myself included
just two months ago) think that it is okay
to get angry sometimes and do something foolish or something hurtful and then
calm ourselves down say sorry and make things right. But that is not true. It
is a lie that the adversary uses to make many good people feel justified in
getting angry from time to time. When we get angry we lose the Spirit of God.
The Holy Ghost is our best friend and guide and comforter. We should do
everything in our power to never offend Him and lose His company. It is just as
¨okay¨ to get angry as it is to steal, have an impure thought, lie, or break
the Word of Wisdom. All of these things cause us to lose the Spirit
immediately, offend God, and are not okay. Perhaps getting angry can be
considered something natural but as we know we are all here on earth to put off
the natural man through the Holy Ghost (Mosiah 3:19). Thus choosing to become
angry is counterproductive, wrong, and not acceptable.
President Monson continues.
My brethren, we are all susceptible to those feelings
which, if left unchecked, can lead to anger. We experience displeasure or
irritation or antagonism, and if we so choose, we lose our temper and become
angry with others. Ironically, those others are often members of our own
families—the people we really love the most…
May we make a conscious
decision, each time such a decision must be made, to refrain from anger and to
leave unsaid the harsh and hurtful things we may be tempted to say.
I love the words of the
hymn written by Elder Charles W. Penrose, who served in the Quorum of the
Twelve and in the First Presidency during the early years of the 20th century:
School thy feelings, O my brother;Train thy warm, impulsive soul.Do not its emotions smother,But let wisdom’s voice control.School thy feelings; there is powerIn the cool, collected mind.Passion shatters reason’s tower,Makes the clearest vision
blind. (Thomas S. Monson, School thy Feelings, Oh My Brother, Oct. 2009)
Just two short years before this talk by President
Monson, President Hinckley also gave a fabulous talk on how to avoid anger.
Obviously it is an important issue for the Lord and we need to learn from His
Prophets. President Hinckley teaches.
A proverb in
the Old Testament states: “He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty;
and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city” (Proverbs 16:32).
It is when we become angry
that we get into trouble. The road rage that affects our highways is a hateful
expression of anger. I dare say that most of the inmates of our prisons are
there because they did something when they were angry. In their wrath they
swore, they lost control of themselves, and terrible things followed, even
murder. There were moments of offense followed by years of regret…
Divorce too often is the
bitter fruit of anger. A man and a woman fall in love, as they say; each is
wonderful in the sight of the other; they feel romantic affection for no one
else; they stretch their finances to buy a diamond ring; they marry. All is
bliss—that is, for a season. Then little inconsequential activities lead to
criticism. Little flaws are magnified into great torrents of faultfinding; they
fall apart, they separate, and then with rancor and bitterness they divorce.
It is the cycle which is
repeated again and again in thousands of cases. It is tragic, and, as I have
said, it is in most cases the bitter fruit of anger.
I think of my own marriage.
My eternal companion passed away three and a half years ago. But we lived
together for 67 years. I have no
recollection of ever having a quarrel with her. She traveled with me and
spoke on every continent, pleading for the exercise of restraint, kindness, and
love…
So many of us make a great fuss of
matters of small consequence. We are so easily offended. Happy is the man who
can brush aside the offending remarks of another and go on his way…
The story is told that
reporters were interviewing a man on his birthday. He had reached an advanced
age. They asked him how he had done it.
He replied, “When my wife
and I were married we determined that if we ever got in a quarrel one of us
would leave the house. I attribute my longevity to the fact that I have
breathed good fresh air throughout my married life.”
Anger may be
justified in some circumstances. The scriptures tell us that Jesus drove the
moneychangers from the temple, saying, “My house shall be called the house of
prayer; but ye have made it a den of thieves” (Matthew 21:13).
But even this was spoken more as a rebuke than as an outburst of
uncontrolled anger. [It is okay to give strong and firm correction when needed but it must
be in a controlled, orderly, and loving manner and done not with the purpose of
making ourselves feel better or simply to burn off stress but with the motivation
and intent of really helping that person because we love them and want them to
improve. D&C 121:43-44]
Now, my dear
brethren, in closing I plead with you to control your tempers, to put a smile upon your faces, which will
erase anger; speak out with words of love and peace, appreciation, and respect.
If you will do this, your lives will be without regret. Your marriages and family relationships will be preserved. You will be much happier. You will do
greater good. You will feel a sense of
peace that will be wonderful.
May the Lord bless you and inspire you to
walk without anger, without bitterness of any kind, but to reach out to others
with expressions of friendship, appreciation, and love. (Gordon B. Hinckley, Slow to Anger, Oct. 2007)
I join my voice with that of the Prophets in likewise
inviting all of you my dear family and friends to please make the choice to
never become angry, control yourself, and be a peacemaker. It isn’t easy but if
the desire to do so is strong enough it truly is possible. From personal
experience I testify that the power of the Atonement can help you overcome
anger if you truly desire it and do your part.
The second obstacle to peace is to argue and cause
contention. Elder Nelson gives a great description of contention as the canker
of the soul.
As we dread any disease
that undermines the health of the body, so should we deplore contention, which
is a corroding canker of the spirit. I appreciate the counsel of Abraham
Lincoln, who said:
“Quarrel not
at all. No man resolved to make the most of himself can spare time for personal
contention. … Better give your path to a
dog than be bitten by him.” (Letter to J. M. Cutts, 26 Oct. 1863, in Concise Lincoln Dictionary of Thoughts and
Statements, comp. and arr. Ralph B. Winn, New York: New York Philosophical Library,
1959, p. 107.)…
My concern is that
contention is becoming accepted as a way of life. From what we see and hear in
the media, the classroom, and the workplace, all are now infected to some
degree with contention. How easy it is,
yet how wrong it is, to allow habits of contention to pervade matters of
spiritual significance, because contention is forbidden by divine decree:
“The Lord God
hath commanded that men should not murder; that they should not lie; that they
should not steal; that they should not take the name of the Lord their God in
vain; that they should not envy; that they should not have malice; that they should not contend one with
another.” (2 Ne. 26:32.) (Russel M. Nelson, The Canker of Contention,
May 1989)
Once again, a man that we
sustain as a Prophet, Seer, and Revelator teaches us very clearly and in a way
that cannot be misunderstood that arguing and causing contention are not okay.
There are many who will say (and I used to believe) that it is normal to argue
and yell and get mad from time to time. That its just part of life and that if
you don’t do it then your just shoving important issues under the rug and being
false and fake. There are many who think that it is healthy and necessary to
take it out of the rug and ¨work it out¨ fighting, arguing, and causing contention.
They rationalize saying that’s just how marriage, companionships, life, and
things are. But I am quite happy to report that this way of thinking,
fortunately, is not true.
Life doesn’t have to be
that way. I am not saying that we are never going to have a different opinion
than other people, or have conflicting interests, or be in a disagreement. But
I am saying that we can control ourselves, compromise, agree to disagree, and
have the self-discipline and willpower and personal commitment to NEVER (yes I
am saying never) raise our voice, get angry, argue, or cause contention. Two
months ago I would’ve thought that was impossible and if you are reading this
and think that I’m being idealistic and unrealistic frankly I don’t blame you.
But you’ve gotta trust me here that IT IS POSSIBLE. Believe it! Know it! Open
your heart to the idea and put it to the test. I bear strong and personal
testimony through my own experience that you can do it. I used to be an expert
in causing contention and arguing for the littlest of things in any situation
but through study, fast, prayer, help from my companion and many others, a
strong desire to change, and applying the power of the Atonement in my life I
have gone over a month without having any contention or anger. And I am fully
confident that I will continue to do so for the rest of my life and I promise
you all that if you make the changes necessary you can achieve it too. I
motivate you to do so and promise great blessings!! Look these talks up, read
them, and live them!
It is my sincere hope and
prayer that through this letter I can inspire many of my loved ones to action,
to repentance, and to the changes necessary to be peacemakers. How truly
blissful and heavenly the world would be if we could all do so. Elder Nelson
continues with a masterful teaching of how to supplant contention.
To begin,
show compassionate concern for others. Control the tongue, the pen, and the
word processor. Whenever tempted to dispute, remember this proverb: “He that is
void of wisdom despiseth his neighbour: but a man of understanding holdeth his
peace.” (Prov. 11:12; see also Prov. 17:28.)
Bridle the
passion to speak or write contentiously for personal gain or glory. The Apostle
Paul thus counseled the Philippians, “Let nothing be done through strife or
vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than
themselves.” (Philip. 2:3.)
Such high mutual regard
would then let us respectfully disagree without being disagreeable.
But the ultimate step lies
beyond beginning control of expression. Personal peace is reached when one, in
humble submissiveness, truly loves God. Heed carefully this scripture:
“There was no
contention in the land, because of the love of
God which did dwell in the hearts of the people.” (4 Ne. 1:15; see also 4 Ne. 1:2; italics
added.)
Thus, love of
God should be our aim. It is the first commandment—the foundation of faith. As
we develop love of God and Christ, love of family and neighbor will naturally
follow. Then will we eagerly emulate Jesus. He healed. He comforted. He taught,
“Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.” (Matt. 5:9; see also 3 Ne. 12:9.)
Through love of God, the pain caused by the
fiery canker of contention will be extinguished from the soul. This
healing begins with a personal vow: “Let there be peace on earth, and let it
begin with me.” (“Let There Be Peace on
Earth,” Sy Miller and Jill Jackson, © Jan-Lee Music, Beverly Hills, Calif.,
1972.) This commitment will then spread to family and friends and will bring
peace to neighborhoods and nations.
Shun
contention. Seek godliness. Be enlightened by eternal truth. Be like-minded
with the Lord in love and united with Him in faith. Then shall “the peace of
God, which passeth all understanding” (Philip. 4:7), be yours,
to bless you and your posterity through generations yet to come. (Russel M. Nelson, The
Canker of Contention, May 1989).
Simple but solid advice to
complement the masterful counsel of Elder Nelson is found in these wise words
from my loving Uncle Kimball Hansen;
Arguments and contention are
sometimes caused by an “I’M RIGHT and YOU’RE WRONG” situation or
attitude.
I love the following
quote: “It is better to DO
right, than to BE right”
This means that even if you
know that you are RIGHT (or think you are right) regarding any topic of
discussion, life issue, method, problem, suggestion, action, habit, teaching
style, etc., you just LET IT GO.
The skill of crushing someone
with the RIGHT answer might be useful as an Attorney…but it can make people
dislike you when handling day-to-day situations and things that just don’t
matter. WALK AWAY and avoid an argument rather than try to PROVE a
point…and lose a friend, tick-off your companero, or your future wife.
DOING RIGHT sometimes requires
you to back-off and let someone else make mistakes and/or be Wrong about
something…when BEING RIGHT and proving a point might ruin a relationship or
create contention. There is no joy
in being able to say “I SURE SHOWED HIM”…when he now hates you.
The advice above mostly
applies to non-critical day-to-day topics and situations. Just roll your eyes
and walk away…and YOU WIN. Just mutter in mind as you walk away
“WHAT-EVER !!” and you will feel better. As you develop this skill, you
will get a thicker SKIN and little things won’t bug you as much.
Likewise the wise words
from my awesome Uncle Matt Hawkins are of great value in avoiding and overcoming
contention;
Christ knew all the answers
and was perfect (He could have always been right) but he was the meekest of all
and let people exercise their agency.
Pick your battles. There
is a lot of stuff in life that is not worth the grief of always being right
about. In your marriage and your career you are going to need to
make lots of compromises. People don’t see things the same way.
Many times there is not just one right way. Sometimes even your “better”
way is really more about your need to win and control than getting to the right
place. “I’m sorry, I don’t know, it’s my fault” should be very
prevalent in our conversations.
These two bits of advice really hit home for
me and greatly helped me change and have the proper perspective of things. I am
quite confident that these bits of advice will help many of you as well.
President Eyring is a avid advocate of peace
and unity in the church and in our homes. He wisely gives teaches the following
principles to avoid contention and disunity.
A second principle to guide our
progress to become one is to be humble. Pride is the great enemy of unity. You
have seen and felt its terrible effects. Just days ago I watched as two
people—good people—began with a mild disagreement. It started as a discussion of what was true but became a contest
about who was right. Voices became gradually louder. Faces became a little more
flushed. Instead of talking about the issue, people began talking about
themselves, giving evidence why their view, given their great ability and
background, was more likely to be right.
You would have felt alarm as I
did. We have seen the life-destroying effects of such tragic conflict. You and
I know people who left the fellowship of the Saints over injured pride.
Happily I am seeing more and
more skillful peacemakers who calm troubled waters before harm is done. You
could be one of those peacemakers, whether you are in the conflict or an
observer.
One way I have seen it done is to search for anything on which we agree. To be that peacemaker, you need to have the simple
faith that as children of God, with all our differences, it is likely that in a
strong position we take, there will be elements of truth. The great peacemaker, the restorer of unity, is the one who finds a way
to help people see the truth they share. That truth they share is always
greater and more important to them than their differences. You can help
yourself and others to see that common ground if you ask for help from God and
then act. He will answer your prayer to help restore peace, as He has mine.
That same principle applies as
we build unity with people who are from vastly different backgrounds. The
children of God have more in common than they have differences. And even the differences can be seen as an
opportunity. God will help us see a difference in someone else not as a source
of irritation but as a contribution. The Lord can help you see and value what
another person brings which you lack. More than once the Lord has helped me see
His kindness in giving me association with someone whose difference from me was
just the help I needed. That has been the Lord’s way of adding something I
lacked to serve Him better.
That leads to another principle
of unity. It is to speak well of each other. Think of the last time you were
asked what you thought about how someone else was doing in your family or in
the Church. It happened to me more than once in the past week. Now, there are
times we must judge others. Sometimes we are required to pronounce such
judgments. But more often we can make a choice. For instance, suppose someone
asks you what you think of the new bishop.As we get better and better at
forging unity, we will think of a scripture when we hear that question: “And
now, my brethren, seeing that ye know the light by which ye may judge, which
light is the light of Christ, see that ye do not judge wrongfully; for with
that same judgment which ye judge ye shall also be judged.”
Realizing that you see others in
an imperfect light will make you likely to be a little more generous in what
you say. In addition to that scripture, you might remember your mother
saying—mine did—“If you can’t say
anything good about a person, don’t say anything at all.”
That will help you look for what
is best in the bishop’s performance and character. The Savior, as your loving
judge, will surely do that as He judges your performance and mine. The scripture and what you heard from your
mother may well lead you to describe what is best in the bishop’s performance
and his good intent. I can promise you a feeling of peace and joy when you
speak generously of others in the Light of Christ. You will feel, for instance,
unity with that bishop and with the person who asked your opinion, not because
the bishop is perfect or because the person asking you shares your generous
evaluation. It will be because the Lord will let you feel His appreciation for choosing
to step away from the possibility of sowing seeds of disunity. (Henry B.
Eyring, Our Hearts Knit as One, Oct.
2008)
I absolutely love the part where he teaches
that a skillful (maintaining the
peace in a world full of prideful, impatient, and impulsive people truly
requires great skill, ability, and wisdom but with an understanding of the
doctrine and a desire to apply the doctrine it is very possible) peacemaker
looks for anything on which they can agree on and sees difference as an
opportunity or as a contribution. Instead of being frustrated that we aren’t
the same, we can see be grateful that through our differences we can complement
each other and help strengthen the weaknesses of one another. My companionship
with Elder Magill truly is a great experience because in many ways we are
different but rather than get frustrated with that we work well together and I
can without a doubt say that we both have greatly changed and helped one
another improve in our different areas of weaknesses and it truly is a great
feeling. All of our relationships can and should be that way if we have the
right attitude and perspective and meekness.
I recently found a fantastic talk by Elder
Ashton and it is so perfect that I’m going to share nearly the entire talk.
Please do not skim it over or get bored here. Stay focused! I promise it’s well
worth it! It is highly interesting and spot on with how to overcome contention
especially in the home.
A few months ago word reached
some of our missionaries in a remote South Pacific island that I would soon be
visiting there for two or three days. When I arrived, the missionaries were
waiting anxiously to share with me some anti-Mormon literature that was being
circulated in their area. They were disturbed by the accusations and were eager
to plan retaliation.
The elders sat on the edge of
their chairs as I read the slander and false declarations issued by a minister
who apparently felt threatened by their presence and successes. As I read the
pamphlet containing the malicious and ridiculous statements, I actually smiled,
much to the surprise of my young associates. When I finished, they asked, “What
do we do now? How can we best counteract such lies?”
I answered, “To the author of
these words, we do nothing. We have no time for contention. We only have time
to be about our Father’s business. Contend with no man. Conduct yourselves as
gentlemen with calmness and conviction and I promise you success.”
Perhaps a formula for these
missionaries and all of us to follow can be found in Helaman, chapter five,
verse thirty, of the Book of Mormon. “And it came to pass when they heard this voice, and
beheld that it was not a voice of thunder, neither was it a voice of a great
tumultuous noise, but behold it was a still voice of perfect mildness, as if it
had been a whisper, and it did pierce even to the very soul.” [Hel. 5:30] …
Contention builds walls and puts up barriers. Love opens doors. Ours is to
be heard and teach. Ours is not only to avoid contention, but to see that such
things are done away.
“For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention
is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he
stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another.
“Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger,
one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away.”
(3 Ne. 11:29, 30.)
We need to be reminded that contention is a striving against one another,
especially in controversy or argument. It is to struggle, fight, battle, quarrel,
or dispute. Contention never was and never will be an ally of progress. Our
loyalty will never be measured by our participation in controversy. Some
misunderstand the realm, scope, and dangers of contention. Too many of us are
inclined to declare, “Who, me? I am not contentious, and I’ll fight anyone who
says I am.” There are still those among us who would rather lose a friend than
an argument. How important it is to know how to disagree without being
disagreeable. It behooves all of us to be in the position to involve ourselves
in factual discussions and meaningful study, but never in bitter arguments and
contention.
No home or heart exists that cannot be hurt through contention. It is sad
when children are raised in a contentious home. It is just as sad when an
organization has contention as one of the planks of its platform, declared or
unannounced. Generally speaking, people who come from noncontentious households
find themselves repulsed by those who would make it part of their daily diet.
The family as an institution today is
beset on all sides. Conflicts within the family are critical and often
damaging. Contention puts heavy strain on stability, strength, peace, and unity
in the home. There is certainly not time for contention in building a strong
family.
In place of arguments and friction between family members, ours is to
build, listen, and reason together. I recall receiving a written question from
a fifteen-year-old girl during a fireside discussion. She wrote, “Is there
anything I can do to improve the feelings among members of my family? I am
fifteen years old and hardly ever look forward to being home. Everyone just
seems to be waiting for me to say the wrong thing so they can cut me down.”
Another young woman, age seventeen, was asked why she was living in a city
with her sister away from their parents. She replied, “Because of the hassle
back home. I have had all that I can stand.” She continued, “There is always
fighting. I can never remember when it was different. Everyone in the house,
especially my parents, takes delight in bad-mouthing each other.” A few family
expressions which cause hurts and lead to contention are: “You don’t know what
you’re talking about!” “Why did you do that stupid thing?” “Your room is a
mess.” “Why don’t you do as I tell you?”
Almost five centuries ago a creative genius named Leonardo da Vinci lived
and worked in Italy. While we remember him most today for such paintings as the
Mona Lisa, he was also a fascinating debater, a polished orator, and a
storyteller of great imagination. One of his fables, simply titled “The Wolf,”
I would like to share with you.
“Carefully, warily, the wolf came down out of the forest one night,
attracted by the smell of a flock of sheep. With slow steps he drew near to the
sheepfold, placing his feet with the utmost caution so as not to make the
slightest sound which might disturb the sleeping dog.
“But one careless paw stepped on a board; the board creaked and woke the
dog. The wolf had to run away, unfed and hungry. And so, because of one
careless foot, the whole animal suffered.” (Adapted from Notebooks of Leonardo da Vinci,
“Fantastic Tales,” Bestiary, no. 1225.)
There is an area, perhaps insignificant to some, that seems to me to be
gnawing away at the spirituality of Latter-day Saints. The plights of these
young ladies bring it to mind. Like the careless paw of the wolf, it is causing
untold suffering and depriving many of spiritual growth and family oneness. I
speak of arguing, careless words spoken in anger, disgust, and intolerance,
often without thought. How sad it is when family members are driven from home
by contentious tongues.
Stories often reiterate the hate and bitterness caused by contention among
neighbors. Some families have been forced to move because of bitter
controversy. Going the extra mile, turning the other cheek, swallowing one’s
pride, and apologizing are often the only ways in which contention among
neighbors can be erased.
From the Savior’s words we learn the source of contention, whether it be in
the home, in the community, among the leaders, or in the classroom. “For
verily, verily, I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of
me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up
the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another.” (3 Ne. 11:29.) This means that Satan has
power over us only when we let him in. We have agency. We can choose our
behavior. The Prophet Joseph Smith said on one occasion, “The
devil has no power over us only as we permit him. The moment we revolt at
anything which comes from God, the devil takes power.” (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, p. 181.)
When one considers the bad feeling and the unpleasantness caused by
contention, it is well to ask, “Why do I participate?” If we are really honest
with ourselves, our answers may be something like: “When I argue and am disagreeable,
I do not have to change myself. It gives me a chance to get even.” “I am
unhappy and I want others to be miserable too.” “I can feel self-righteous. In
this way I get my ego built up.” “I don’t want others to forget how much I
know!”
Whatever the real reason, it is important to recognize that we choose our
behavior. At the root of this issue is the age-old problem of pride. “Only by
pride cometh contention.” (Prov. 13:10.)
If Satan can succeed in creating in us habits of arguing, quarreling, and
contention, it is easier then for him to bind us with the heavier sins which
can destroy our eternal lives. A contentious spirit can affect almost any phase
of our lives. An angry letter written in haste can haunt us—sometimes for
years. A few ill-advised words spoken in hate can destroy a marriage or a
personal friendship, or impede community progress.
As we take a stand against the evils of the day, such as abortion, homosexuality, immorality,
alcohol, drugs, dishonesty, intolerance, etc., can we express our beliefs
without clenching our fists, raising our voices, and promoting contention? Can
we talk about the beneficial principles of the gospel such as the Word of Wisdom, keeping the Sabbath day
holy, maintaining personal purity, and the other truths found in the scriptures
without making our listeners defensive? This is not easy, but it can be done.
Ours is, if you please, to plow our own furrow, plant our own seeds, tend our
crops, and reap the harvest. This can best be accomplished not only by
plowshares rather than by swords, but by appropriate commitment rather than
contention.
Let me share with you some suggestions for alleviating contention:
- Pray to have the love of
God in your heart. Sometimes this is a struggle, but the Spirit of the
Lord can soften hard feelings and mellow a callous spirit.
- Learn to control your
tongue. There is an old maxim and an excellent one: “Think twice before
you speak and three times before you act.”
- Don’t allow emotions to
take over; rather, reason together.
- Refuse to get embroiled
in the same old patterns of argument and confrontation.
- Practice speaking in a
soft, calm voice. The peaceful life can best be attained not by those who
speak with a voice of “great tumultuous noise” but by those who follow the
Savior’s example and speak with “a still voice of perfect mildness.” (Hel. 5:30.)
There is no time for contention. We must have the will and discipline in
our daily lives to fight contention. I promise the valiant God’s help in their
efforts to conquer this horrendous foe. Let us “Cease to contend one with
another; cease to speak evil one of another.” (D&C 136:23.) We only have time to be
about our Father’s business. (Marvin J. Ashton, No Time for Contention, April 1978)
The third key obstacle to peace is getting
offended easily. Elder Bednar provides a masterful teaching on how to overcome
offense. Please read and learn carefully.
When we believe or say we have
been offended, we usually mean we feel insulted, mistreated, snubbed, or
disrespected. And certainly clumsy, embarrassing, unprincipled, and
mean-spirited things do occur in our interactions with other people that would
allow us to take offense. However, it ultimately is impossible for another
person to offend you or to offend me. Indeed, believing that another person
offended us is fundamentally false. To be offended is a choice we make; it is not a condition inflicted or imposed upon us by someone or something
else.
In the grand division of all of
God’s creations, there are things to act and things to be acted upon (see 2 Nephi 2:13–14). As sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father, we
have been blessed with the gift of moral agency, the capacity for independent
action and choice. Endowed with agency, you and I are agents, and we primarily
are to act and not just be acted upon. To believe that someone or something can
make us feel offended, angry,
hurt, or bitter diminishes our moral agency and transforms us into objects to
be acted upon. As agents, however, you and I have the power to act and to
choose how we will respond to an offensive or hurtful situation…
The Savior is the greatest
example of how we should respond to potentially offensive events or situations.
“And the world, because of their
iniquity, shall judge him to be a thing of naught; wherefore they scourge him,
and he suffereth it; and they smite him, and he suffereth it. Yea, they spit
upon him, and he suffereth it, because of his loving kindness and his
long-suffering towards the children of men” (1 Nephi 19:9).
Through the strengthening power
of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, you and I can be blessed to avoid and triumph
over offense. “Great peace have they which love thy law: and nothing shall
offend them” (Psalm 119:165)…
You and I cannot control the
intentions or behavior of other people. However, we do determine how we will
act. Please remember that you and I are agents endowed with moral agency, and
we can choose not to be offended.
During a perilous period of war,
an exchange of letters occurred between Moroni, the captain of the Nephite
armies, and Pahoran, the chief judge and governor of the land. Moroni, whose
army was suffering because of inadequate support from the government, wrote to
Pahoran “by the way of condemnation” (Alma 60:2) and harshly accused him of thoughtlessness,
slothfulness, and neglect. Pahoran might easily have resented Moroni and his
message, but he chose not to take offense. Pahoran responded compassionately
and described a rebellion against the government about which Moroni was not
aware. And then he responded, “Behold, I say unto you, Moroni, that I do not joy
in your great afflictions, yea, it grieves my soul. … And now, in your epistle
you have censured me, but it mattereth not; I am not angry, but do rejoice in
the greatness of your heart” (Alma 61:2, 9).One of the greatest indicators of our own spiritual maturity is revealed
in how we respond to the weaknesses, the inexperience, and the potentially
offensive actions of others. A thing, an event, or an expression may be
offensive, but you and I can choose not to be offended—and to say with Pahoran,
“it mattereth not.” WOW! …
If a person says or does
something that we consider offensive, our first obligation is to refuse to take
offense and then communicate privately, honestly, and directly with that
individual. Such an approach invites inspiration from the Holy Ghost and permits
misperceptions to be clarified and true intent to be understood. (David A.
Bednar, And Nothing Shall Offend Them, Oct.
2006)
Congratulations
to all of you who really read this entire letter. I promise you that if you put
into your daily lives these principles that you have read it will be very well
worth the time spent reading it.
I wish to
finish simply testifying of the truthfulness of every single one of these talks
and pieces of advice from my Uncles. I have lived these principles and I know
from experience that they are true and that they come from God. Live them and
you will see. I love you all and spent all this time of preparation for weeks
before preparing this taking out the best and most important parts of various
talks and providing an analysis of them because I really love you guys and want
what’s best for you. It is humble prayer and hope that this blesses your lives.
Happy New
Year!
Elder
Remington
At the end of the conference all of the missionaries from my group and I gave our last testimonies. President told us all to keep it just to 2:30 minutes and we did and it was much more direct and powerful that way instead of some Elders who go on and on and on. It was one of the most spiritual and powerful moments of my life. Several missionaries were in tears and the Spirit was thick. I felt a strong burning in my heart and happiness and joy. Elder Garzon shared a brief experience of how he had practiced preparing the Sacrament when he was 10 years old and compared it with the fact that his whole life he had prepared himself for this moment... to be a missionary and serve the Lord and how wonderful it felt to have done so these last two years and to have done it well. His feelings were mine as well. Elder Maddock shared a great testimony of how he suffered a huge injury that prevented him from going to the Olympics but lead to him deciding to serve a mission and testified of how trials and pain can lead to growth and blessings. Elder Randall gave a tender and sincere testimony and started to cry at the end. You could feel the love and sincerity in his voice. He shared that a good attitude will bring you success in all that you do. Then it was my turn. I shared my testimony of the love our Heavenly Father has for every single one of us, that we are His children and thus we all have divine gifts and talents and the divine potential to become like Him one day. I know that Jesus Christ died for me and saved us all from sin and redeemed us and through His atonement we can become clean and be born again and have joy in sharing this glad message with our dear brothers and sisters (Alma 36:23-25). I know that Joseph Smith is the Prophet of the Restoration and that he translated the Book of Mormon. I know that it is the word of God and truly changes hearts and changes lives. I know that Thomas Monson is a Prophet, Seer, and Revelator and that if we apply his teachings in our lives we will be better and be safe. I know that this is God's true church. These last two years have been the happiest and best two years of my life. I know that with marriage and children even better years are to come but I know that these two years will always be the best two years for my life. I know that it is a privilege to be a missionary and that anyone who serves with all his heart, might, mind, and strength will be blessed more than you can possibly imagine. I closed my testimony and then heard a powerful and moving testimony of my dear friend Elder Magill. He testified of the three lighthouses of President Amaya and of what a privilege it is to be a missionary. He said that he wasn't going to cry yet. Then we sang the last hymn "Called to Serve" with all our heart. When we finished before the last prayer, President Amaya stood up and called up Elder Magill and I and thanked us for all that we had done and said that we were like Nephi because we had been born of goodly parents and were exemplary men. He said how much he loved us. It was very moving. Elder Magill cried. It was a very tender and spiritual moment. I am so thankful to have had such a wonderful mission president and to have served by him for six months with an amazing companion. 
